Clannad: Music of Life
by Phoenix Fervor
Summary: "I wasn't sure if he ever understood my feelings, but I loved him very much... he was more than my first and only friend... he was the only one I could ever give my heart to." An alternate timeline of the anime that features Tomoya moving in with Kotomi instead of Nagisa, and what follows afterwards. Rated T for suggestive scenarios and themes.


Introduction:

This story was commissioned. My client chose to remain anonymous.

At any rate, I am a huge Clannad fan. And one thing that always kind of bothered me about Clannad was how despite so many of the girls liking Tomoya, most of them either have a canon partner (Ryou and Kappei, or Nagisa and Tomoya) or can easily get almost anyone they want, really (Kyou and Tomoyo.) While I love pairing Tomoya with Nagisa, that still leaves Kotomi. I can't imagine Kotomi with anyone but Tomoya, despite how I still like Tomoya best with Nagisa. (You could even say I have a deep personal connection to Tomoya and Nagisa. Those two are like my fiancée and myself, on so many parallels. It's amazing.)

So this is why I agreed to take this commission. It was a rather small sum for the length of the project, but part of why I agreed to it were the conditions, which gave me a more strict guideline and wouldn't leave me floundering with too many ideas and being unsure where to start with them. Since I've been having some problems writing lately, most of which stemmed from too many ideas overloading my common sense, I embraced this restriction.

My client had some conditions about the terms she wanted this fic written with, and here they are:

- Anime timeline (Drama Club is still kind of a major focus, Tomoya and Kotomi don't go out during Kotomi's route, Fuuko/Fuko's route already happenend)  
- Anime DUB style – less honorifics, overall more casual discussion.

- Kappei from the VN is around (since he's Ryou's canon love interest.)

- Do not pair Nagisa with anyone else but also don't drop her from the story.

- Include more Ryou if you can. (Kind of a given, Ryou, Nagisa, and Kotomi are friends)

- Pairing Kyou and Tomoyo with anyone else is fine, just not each other.

- The story will begin around the time Tomoya leaves home. (Was originally during Kotomi's arc but this caused issues and was changed.)

I was supposed to have this out before the new year, but the process was plagued with computer issues, domestic issues at home, and being generally unsatisfied with the way things were going leading to excessive restarts. As such,** the first little bit will be a rush job to get out of the gate so I can simply continue to work on it instead of continuing to go "no, I want to change this. Redo that/ etc" and never get anything done.**

In particular, the "lazy narration" in the first little bit. Fans of Clannad know that it has a LOT of Tomoya's thoughts; the VN is narrated by him to a logical extreme, and even in the anime, he talks to himself a lot. As such, the first little bit may not feel genuinely Clannad. I may shift the focus entirely to a first-person narration, or simply to a 3rd person narration with an intense emphasis on Tomoya's thoughts.

At any rate, while I doubt the prologue is really enjoyable, it sets up the rest of it, so… enjoy!

Chapter One: Confounding Dream Haze  
_Rising from ashes, smoke's farspread span  
Masks in mist, where it all began..._

Gone were the days when the dancing sakura petals along the slope to school made walking there every morning that little bit more bearable. Gone were the days when his reasons for attending school were to help with the Drama Club. Tomoya never wanted his home life to clash with his school life, but the damage was done, and there was no turning back.

Or so he thought.

After running away from his home right in front of Nagisa, he wasn't sure what he was thinking. But one thing was certain; Nagisa wasn't the kind of girl who could leave well enough alone. He didn't even want to think about what this could lead to. He was no longer even sure where his feet were taking him. As a vicious wind kicked up and pelted his face with leaves, he groaned, and turned into the park to his left. Only now did he realize he was in front of the Furukawa bakery.

"Aww damn, she'll find me here for sure."

"Hmm? Who will find you here, Okazaki?"

Jumping, Tomoya turned around to face the voice that had so casually accosted him. He had assumed that he had stormed off too quickly for Nagisa to take notice, but apparently he was mistaken. He let loose a vocal groan, which caused Nagisa to visibly wince. But within a few seconds, the two had slumped onto a nearby bench.

After a few minutes of silence, Tomoya finally simply sighed and said "So now you know."

Nagisa nodded silently, even though he couldn't see her. "You did tell me that you and your father used to fight a lot. So honestly, I'm not that surprised. It explains why you seem so out of place around my dad, at least." This comment about her father, a man like no other Tomoya had ever met, got a chuckle out of him. The smile on Nagisa's face showed that she was taking it as a personal victory.

"Heh... you've got that right." Tomoya shook his head. "I just... sorry I ran off. I..." Tomoya wasn't even sure why he was saying any of this. He didn't want to burden her, not with the play coming up. And he especially didn't want her to share it with the other club members. Their combined meddling would only ever make things worse on this front. "I... I didn't want you to see that."

"Why not?" Nagisa's inquisitive gaze was burning into Tomoya's soul. He didn't want to tell her. He knew he would hurt her. But, he reasoned, the damage had already happened. Maybe he could at least persuade her to not involve the other girls?

"Well…" Tomoya began, with a sigh. "You have this knack for getting too invested in other peoples' problems. I knew that if anyone found out, especially you, the others would find out and everyone would try to help, and it would just be worse. The last thing I needed was anyone seeing just how bad things were. Helping you with the club has been fun. I didn't want that to end."

An awkward silence settled between the two of them for a few moments. Tomoya turned to look at Nagisa. He wasn't sure what to expect, but what he saw surprised him. She was smiling. Tomoya groaned once more, as Nagisa chuckled.

"Don't worry, Okazaki, it's not what you're thinking, I promise."

Before he could stop her, Nagisa began outlining her plan. "Distance makes the heart grow fonder," she told him, "so you need to put some distance between you two. Move out for a bit. And maybe when you miss each other…."

"Yeah, but… where would I go? I don't have a job, or…"

Nagisa stared at her feet, pondering the options. "Well… I guess you probably shouldn't stay at my place, if my father makes you feel uncomfortable, huh? That was my first idea but I don't want to make you feel…."

"I don't know if uncomfortable is the right word for it, really…" Tomoya admitted. "It's just… we're such polar opposites. Your family is close. I don't know the first thing about that kind of family. I'd just feel like everyone was trying too hard to welcome me in, like I was putting a strain on the existing way of things. I dunno, does that make any sense to you?"

"Well…" Nagisa continued to hang her head, "I don't think you'd need to worry about that, but I can understand why you feel that way…" With an audible sigh, Nagisa hung her head, as if in defeat. Barely audible, she mumbled, "Distance, huh? Maybe I should take my own advice…."

Tomoya knew better than to pry, and simply remained silent. Within a few minutes, however, Nagisa's sudden silence had become stifling. Tomoya grew more uncomfortable with each passing second. Finally, he couldn't take it anymore.

"So, if your place is no good, what else can I do? I can't afford my own place."

"I… I didn't think you could…" Nagisa agreed, slowly coming out of her thoughts. She sighed deeply, and hesitated momentarily, before forcing herself to her feet in a speedy burst of resolve. "I have one other idea. Wait right here. I need to go inside for a few minutes to check something. Don't worry, I'm not asking if you can stay with me."

Before Tomoya could protest, Nagisa had run off across the park to her front door, and vanished. He just sighed. He lay down on the bench and closed his eyes, knowing she'd wake him up if he fell asleep. But within a few minutes, he became vaguely aware of the fact that he was still alone.

"Now I'm getting worried again... I'm going to go check up on her."

He lifted himself from his perch and moved towards the bakery, slowing his movement as he got closer, just in case Nagisa were to suddenly erupt from the doorway and collide with him. He paused as he saw her through the window, with one hand hovering inches away from the phone, and the other over her heart. She took a deep breath and lifted the phone.

Tomoya wasn't sure who she'd be calling, but knew that if Nagisa was hesitating that much, then surely this wouldn't end well for him… he turned towards the door to stop her, but as he heard voices, he knew he was too late.

"Hello, Kotomi? Hi, it's Nagisa! Sorry for calling so late, I hope I didn't interrupt your dinner!"

Baffled, Tomoya crept behind cover to try to eavesdrop, but couldn't hear what she was saying. She had lowered her voice after the initial greeting. He simply couldn't figure out why Nagisa would hesitate over calling Kotomi of all people. Was she hesitating to share his secret? But the more Tomoya mulled it over in his head, the more it made sense; Kotomi lived alone in a house with enough rooms for company. But also, due to the fact that she lived alone without guardians (and thus, supervision,) rumors would certainly circulate about suddenly sharing her house with a guy. Eager to hear what was going on, Tomoya slipped through the door of the bakery and pretended to be examining the selection.

"So… because of some issues at home – and please don't ask, I'm not even supposed to know, I was in the wrong place at the wrong time – I was thinking Okazaki needs to spend some time away from his family. But the problem is, I wasn't sure where else he could stay but at your place. I feel really weird asking, but…" Nagisa paused as Kotomi said something on her end. "Yeah, of course. It's… huh? Well… the thing is…" the two began conversing back and forth so fast that Tomoya wasn't sure what was going on anymore. Finally, he decided to just leave and wait for Nagisa back at the bench. The last words he heard before the distance became too great were "You already know my thoughts on the matter."

Sitting down at the same bench as before, he once again closed his eyes and lay down, lamenting how fruitless his eavesdropping had been, and how he could have had time for a small nap. But something about the exchange worried him. There was clearly some kind of friction with the scenario. Nagisa hesitating to call Kotomi was one thing, she could have easily simply not wanted to burden her. But the length of the conversation was worrisome. Was Kotomi against the idea? She certainly seemed to have a lot of questions for Nagisa. Had something happened between the two of them? Part of it almost seemed personal, like he was completely out of the loop.

"I'm probably just worrying too much…" he mumbled out loud.

"Yes, you certainly are!"

Tomoya's sudden upwards jolt was disorienting enough to send him careening off the edge of the bench and onto the ground below. Nagisa promptly apologized for scaring him, and helped him up. Tomoya silently thanked himself for not speaking out loud before that point.

"So, good news!" Nagisa told him, as she forced a smile. "Kotomi has several spare rooms and you can stay with her if you like!" Try as he might, however, Tomoya only had one response to her.

"Why does your smile seem so fake right now?"

Nagisa faltered for a moment, caught off guard by the abruptness of the observation. But she quickly started laughing, and just waved him off. "Sorry, Okazaki, I'm just tired. I thought I'd try to act all happy for you, but I should have known you'd notice. I can always count on you to be blunt like that… I guess I still have some practice to put in before doing the play?" Tomoya winced. Now he just felt guilty.

"No, that makes perfect sense," Tomoya told her, "sorry if it seems like I'm pushing you so hard. You've been working hard, lately, and your health is an issue, as well. Don't overdo it, okay? That's another part of why I didn't want you to get caught up in this. You have enough to worry about on your own, without me adding to your burdens!"

"It's fine!" Nagisa replied, this time with a more genuine, but admittedly strained, smile. "With how much you've done to help me, the least I can do is make a phone call for you! Besides," Nagisa put on a frown and placed a finger in his face, "I need my manager at his best! It wouldn't do to have your personal issues distracting you from the club!"

Tomoya smiled back at her, and chuckled. "So I'm officially the manager, then? You do realize I know nothing about drama, right? The others are a lot more enthusiastic about drama, they'd do a better job of it than me. So why?"

"Well…" Nagisa began, as she moved to sit down beside him again, "because you've been helping me from the start. You're sort of like the honorary Vice President. Even if we had a professional who knew everything, I wouldn't want someone who just shows up one day and starts telling me what to do… to be managing my play. You've been encouraging me to do what I want with my club and my performance. To learn as I go. It's been a better experience than I ever dreamed of… so I can't think of anyone better for the job besides you, Okazaki."

"All right, all right, if it means that much to you, I guess I can try. At least it'll probably be less work than helping Tomoyo in the elections was… or heck, Kotomi's yard. Oh yeah, speaking of Kotomi, when will the room be ready?"

"OH!" Nagisa exclaimed, as if she had completely forgotten. "The room! I can't believe I forgot! She said she just needs to dust the shelves and throw on some fresh sheets, it will be okay to move into tonight, if you want. Did you need any help packing?"

"No, I don't have much to bring. But I could use the company on the trip over, if you wanted to wait for me here."


End file.
